"We all wear masks and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing our own skin." - André Berthiaume

“Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility, for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible.” - Thomas A. Kempis

“But I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep.” - Robert Frost

"A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another, the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one other it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden." - Buddha

"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruit than strict justice." - Abraham Lincoln

Talking with your children about Gender Identity Issues

Talking with your Children about Gender Identity Issues

___________________________________________________________

by Gianna Eveling Israel

Copyright © 1996, all rights reserved.

Emblazoned with various social, moral and religious opinions, disclosing and discussing one's transgendered status with adolescent and adult children is frequently one of the most difficult issues brought up by clients in my counseling practice. Because our western society is polarized with gender and sexual stereotypes transgendered individuals survive relatively closeted familially and socially making these issues all the more difficult to talk about.
 
During our individual exploration of transgendered issues we must decide how much of a public face we wish to reveal to others. Additionally we must decide which values we wish to incorporate into our private lives and ultimately extend to children. Agreed, every parent wishes to provide their child with safety, nurturance, education and the opportunity to build self and social acceptance skills.

Firsthand before disclosing to any relationship of importance, establish the facts, understand how being transgendered affects your life and theirs. Talk with your counselor regarding disclosure options and relevancy. In some cases not disclosing or limited disclosure may be optimum. One frequently overlooked necessity for those who are unable to disclose, is dealing with the feelings surrounding having to keep something hidden from family members, this is another subject that would be appropriate to bring into discussion with your counselor.

If at all possible, choose disclosure when you feel revealing will increase the quality of the relationship.
Being able to speak effectively about gender issues is important. Defining the distinction between sexual and gender identity is a frequently misunderstood process, as well these definitions are commonly misrepresented socially through stereotypes. However, explaining the distinction does not have to be difficult. Sexual Identity or Orientation basically indicates where sexual attraction may lay, whether it be toward the same, opposite or both sexes. Gender Identity basically indicates an internal sense of self and an outward presentation of masculinity or femininity, not necessarily reflecting one's biological gender which is assigned at birth. To simply carry these concepts a step further, Primary Identity reflects an individual's needs in both gender and sexual identification although experience and presentation may not always reflect what actually exists on the inside.

Young children in particular may have some difficulty grasping gender and sexual concepts, thus disclosing with moderation is best. One age relevant option I encourage, is beginning easy-to-understand disclosure when children begin asking gender-related or "personal" questions. "Daddy, why are you wearing Mommy's lipstick and earrings when other Daddies don't," is a pretty obvious indication the child is curious about your behavior.

Because initial comprehension of gender and sexual identity concepts may prove difficult for children, reframing this information into "safe dialogue" is a valuable disclosure tool If creative, you may wish to create a story disclosing healthy gender concepts. Sadly few fairy tales implement such important information. A wonderful alternative I reviewed and recommend is the children's story Fluff the Bunny, which easily understood by children and adults alike, beautifully illustrates Fluff's search for healthy experience and individuality. (Note: The Fluff the Bunny book may be ordered for $12.00, postpaid, Creative Design Services, POB 1263, King of Prussia, PA 19406)

It may be anticipated that not all adolescent, teen and adult children are going to be immediately accepting of your transgendered phenomena. Not pushing the issue on an uninterested or resistant individual has its merits. Sometimes just being able to talk about the issue, if the child wants to, is enough. Finally, one vital disclosure point which needs to be emphasized here and in conversation with your child is...
Regardless of age, the transgendered issue is the parent's issue, not the child's, and that your love for the child remains the same.

As a rule of thumb, if it can in any way be avoided, I do not encourage parents to lie about their gender identity issues when questioned by adolescent or adult children. There is a big difference between choosing not to disclose one's transgendered identity and lying in response to questions originating from a child who sees something going on. In the short term lying may cover up the discomfort you may feel surrounding disclosing your transgendered issues. However in the long run, lying may solely serve to foster disrespect toward a parent's inability to discuss self-acceptance issues. Lying also serves in perpetrating the myth that gender and sexuality are somehow dirty or shameful. One option I suggest for parents who have inquisitive children, yet are not ready for disclosure, is to make an appointment with the child and deal with the issue when you are ready.

One important point easily overlooked in some counseling processes during discussion of child/gender-identified parent issues is the examination of the level of support offered by a non-transgendered parent or partner. All to often I have heard of a non-transgendered parent using gender issues as ammunition during disputes or as a means of estranging the child from the transgendered parent. Sadly as much persuading as the transgendered parent might attempt, it is not infrequent that the non-transgendered parent may remain inflexible in their opinions. Whatever the case may be it is not in the best interest of any child to have one parent undermining the love another. I strongly encourage transgendered parents to remind themselves and their partners that their first responsibility as parents is to provide love for their adolescent, teen and adult children.

Mid Term Exam

UPDATE: Mid term exam covering Chapter 1 to Chapter 5 (Intro to Cognitive Development), consists of 25 MCQs and short essays.

Intra-tutorial Debates

T2, T8 and T9 will be having intra-tutorial debate as planned on this coming Wednesday and Thursday. Everyone is encouraged to attend the debate if you are free, and the debaters for T2 and T8 are encouraged to attend the first debate by T9. Class-rep for T2, T8, and T9, if possible, kindly prepare a token of appreciation (self-made cards etc) for the judges. The date, time, venue and motion of the debate are as followed:

T9 Wed (10/11/2010) 12:30 PM - 02:00 PM B209A
Motion: This house believes that Internet is a safe place for teens to explore.

T8 Wed (10/11/2010) 2:00 PM - 3:30 PM B209A
Motion: This house believes that peers play a more important role than parents during
adolescence.

T2 Thu (11/11/2010) 12:00 PM - 01:30 PM B203B
Motion: This house would abolish all single sex schools in Malaysia

被遗忘的情亲

The Effects of Gossip on Teenage Girls

Fending Off the Emotional Damage of Rumors

By Reece Manley

Gossip may seem an innocent form of normal teenage life, from the outside the topics may seem inane or superficial. However, to the group participants, the conversations often center on areas of life in which the girls are heavily invested. Laurence Owen writes in “The Effects of Indirect Aggression on Teenage Girls” [School Psychology International, 2003] that activities such as group exclusion, derailing other girls and other forms of indirect bullying have consequences ranging from anxiety to deep spells of depression.

The Source of Gossip

In the course of developing friendships, many adolescent girls will belong to a number of social groups or cliques as they move through school. Transitioning from group to group may carry problems including other group members' envy or jealousy. This can result in an amazing amount of gossiping and other forms of indirect bullying.

Another source of gossiping can come in breaking the implied rules of the clique. Whether it be failing to attend a planned social function or failing to fall in line with the latest fashion, breaking the implied agreements of the friendship group can quickly place the offender in the unenviable position of being the target of false rumors.

Of course, some gossiping simply happens out of the interworking of group dynamics. Since there is an inherent drive in social groups to establish a hierarchy, some group members find themselves being attacked or excluded in attempts by other members to assert dominion over them and to bolster the bully in the eyes of the group.

Preventing the Damage of Gossip

The number one way of defending a teenage girl against the effects of gossiping is to bolster her self-esteem and self-confidence. Essential achievement of basic self-esteem enhancing skills is important in an adolescent girl's life. The stronger a girl's self-esteem, the less likely she is to stumble in the face of potential rumor making. Building self-esteem comes from a number of sources. These may include a stronger ability to problem solve, ability to receive and process compliments and an ability to handle social situations.

Parents can help girls face of gossip in a number of ways.

• Identify the gossip and help the target of the rumor understand the falsehoods contained in it.
• Help the girl confront those spreading the rumors with the idea of resolving the behavior immediately.
• Encourage girls to have a wide range of interest and a wide range of friends.
• Spend time learning to understand the teenager's world and what meanings are attached to what actions.
• Help teenagers identify personal strengths and reinforce those strengths.

In the face of gossip, girls may need to learn to apply social skills which help resolve the underlying conflict or issue. If the issue is unrealistic or imagined, girls need to learn to say as much to those applying the bullying behavior. When possible, conflict resolution can be assisted by parents of both girls in a casual gathering to address the issue.

Gossiping can be devastating to teenagers. Gossiping, like most indirect forms of bullying, can result in anxiety and depression as well as lowering self-esteem and self-confidence. Parents can help by teaching girls problem resolving skills and by helping them find their strengths.

Cool Karma-Relaxation for children and adolescents

By Denise Allen,
Occupational Therapist.


So what is stress? My favourite definition

"Stress is the feeling we experience when we lose confidence in our ability to cope with a situation."

So it involves both the external pressures of a given situation and our own internal perceptions, thoughts and beliefs about that situation. Thus two individuals in the same situation can experience very different levels of stress.

When talking to younger children I tend to use a simpler definition:

"Stress is the feeling of being out of control."

The main presenting symptoms of stress in the children and adolescents I have seen are:

• excessive headaches, nausea and abdominal pain;
• tendency to worry a lot;
• low self-esteem;
• sleep disturbances;
• excessive anger;
• moodiness;
• difficulty with concentration;
• having a delicate equilibrium / being easily upset.

To help reduce stress levels, regain confidence and promote a sense of being in control, there are a number of simple techniques that children and adolescents can learn. These include breathing awareness, progressive muscle relaxation and visualisation. Breathing awareness can be practiced almost anywhere and at anytime, and ideally could be used several times a day. Following the relaxing of the body with a progressive muscle relaxation exercise, a visualisation then deepens the relaxation of the mind. For best results they can be combined in a daily practice session.

Breathing awareness

When our stress levels rise our breathing speeds up and becomes shallower. Conversely becoming aware of our breathing and learning to slow down and deepen each breath allows us to feel more relaxed. Becoming aware of our breathing is a simple strategy. My two favourite breathing techniques are abdominal breathing and sigh breathing.

Abdominal breathing is a useful breathing technique. It may take a little practise to master but be patient and it will happen. Place one hand on you tummy so that the belly button is below the centre of the palm. Now place the other hand on the top of the first hand. Take a slow deep breath in and imagine the diaphragm, a large band of muscle below your lungs, moving down as your lungs expand, and causing your tummy to rise gently under your hands. As you breathe out your lungs contract, the diaphragm moves back up, and you can feel your tummy gently fall. Breathe in slowly and deeply, feel your tummy rise. Breathe out slowly and feel your tummy fall. Don't force your breathing; just make it deeper and slower. Continue breathing in this manner for at least 10 to 20 cycles.

Sigh breathing involves taking a moderately deep breath in through nose and, pausing only briefly, letting the air out slowly through your nose. The slow gentle exhale is the key to sigh breathing. Be sure to lengthen your outward breath. Now as you breathe out let go - relax your muscles of your face, your jaw and your shoulders. Let go of tension in your chest and stomach. Let your arms and legs relax. As your breath out feel a wave of relaxation flow from the top of your head and all the way down to your feet. As you continue to breathe in this manner for at least 10 to 20 cycles, direct your attention outside yourself. Focus your attention on what you can see and hear.

Progressive muscle relaxation

Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a technique that relaxes the body progressively as you focus on different muscle groups in the body. For beginners to highlight the difference between a tensed state and a relaxed state I like to include a simple tensing exercise. For example:

Point your fingers and toes while stretching all the muscles in your arms and leg ... Really feel the stretch and hold ... Big breath in and as you breathe out relax the muscles and allow your whole body to soften and relax.

Now bend up your knees towards your chest and wrap your arms around your knees and curl yourself up in a ball shape, bringing your head forward towards your knees. Tighten the muscles and hold the ball shape ... Now take a big breath in and as you breathe out uncurl your body and relax the muscles and allow your whole body to soften and relax ... Feeling soft and relaxed like a sleepy cat or a rag doll.

Now focus on specific muscle groups relaxing those muscles before moving on to the next group. For example:

Focus your attention on your feet, your toes, and your ankles ... As you breathe in imagine your breath flowing all the way down to your toes and as you breathe out just let go of any tightness, any tension and discomfort and allow the muscles to relax, feel the muscles soften.

Focus on your calf muscles ... As you breathe in imagine your breath flowing all the way down to your calf muscles and as you breathe out relaxing the calf muscles ... letting go of any tightness, any tension.

And so on, progressing right through the body to muscle groups in the face. Younger people find it easier to stay focused if someone talks them through the progressive relaxation and visualisation process. A relaxation CD with a variety of tracks is an ideal aid.

Visualisation

Visualisation is thinking in pictures, images and sensations. Visualisation is a powerful technique as it enlists the imagination to problem-solve, to provide a haven to calm and nurture the soul and stimulate creativity. Visualisation is very absorbing, and tends to stop or slow down the "chatter of the mind", giving time out from the everyday worries, concerns and negative thoughts. Ideally visualisation is introduced after progressive muscle relaxation, so you relax the body, and then relax the mind. The following is a simple example of a visualisation.

Imagine there is a butterfly sitting on your chest ...
it has its wings spread and it is preparing to take flight ... it seems more and more likely to do so every time you breathe in and out ... but it remains sitting on you chest for some time ... Look at this butterfly carefully ... look at its colour and shape ... Soon the butterfly will take flight ... Imagine following the butterfly to a pleasant place. A place where you feel relaxed, comfortable and safe ... Pay careful attention to the sights and sounds, smells and sensations of this place ... how it feels and how you feel being there ... allow yourself to enjoy being there and to relax as fully as possible ... You have 1 minute to enjoy this place and it is all the time that you need ... remember that you carry this peaceful place inside you and you can come here and visit any time you wish.

Sharing on 06/09/2010

Ice Breaking Seniors sharing working and studying (master degree) experiences
Hopscotch Game: Teamwork and Communication in Problem Solving
Resipe for RelationshipExpressive Therapy