Teenager Quotes

Why do children want to grow up? Because they experience their lives as constrained by immaturity and perceive adulthood as a condition of greater freedom and opportunity. But what is there today, in America, that very poor and very rich adolescents want to do but cannot do? Not much: they can "do" drugs, "have" sex, "make" babies, and "get" money (from their parents, crime, or the State). For such adolescents, adulthood becomes synonymous with responsibility rather than liberty. Is it any surprise that they remain adolescents? ~Thomas Szasz

Don't laugh at a youth for his affectations;he is only trying on one face after another to find a face of his own.~Logan Pearsall Smith

Study vs. Learning

On Lying in Adolescence

by Jean Walbridge

Several questions submitted recently to this site are from parents concerned that their children have lied to them. For instance, a mother writes in to complain of her 13-year-old's having invited a friend over after school instead of practicing his piano while the mother was at work. It isn't even that he skipped piano practice that the mother minds so much, as that her son lied to her about it.

She says, "My son is transforming into a new creature." And, by implication, she's not so sure she likes the new creature he is becoming. He never used to lie--or so it seems. And he seldom disobeyed when he was younger. So what's going on?

Adolescence is what's going on. During adolescence, kids experience a developmental imperative: to become independent of the parents and to establish their own identities separate from the identities of their parents.

Beginning in the pre-adolescent years, kids will do anything to achieve these goals--including lying to their parents, if need be. I think the reason the mom we mentioned above was more hurt by the lie than by the disobedience was that on some level she realized that her son had chosen his relationship with his friend over his relationship to her. The lying cost him something in terms of his relationship with his mom. But giving up the opportunity to be with a peer would have, in his scheme of things, cost him far more, and in an area where he is far less certain of his standing.

Parents, in other words, get their feelings hurt by their children's not telling them the truth because at bottom the parent realizes it is a sign that her child is pulling away from her, and there is some pain in letting go.

It hurts your feelings when your preteen lies to you, but unlike when she was younger, your teenager is not so powerfully motivated to avoid eliciting your anger or disappointment. In your teenager's eyes, your feeling hurt or angry may be "a good sign" in that it proves to her, at least in the moment, that she is not being controlled by you, that you are not running her life... look, here you are hurt and angry. Doesn't that prove that she decided to do this thing on her own? That she wasn't allowing herself just to be your 'toady'?

If it takes breaking an agreement with parents to do what the kid feels, in the moment, that she MUST do in order to move towards autonomy and identity, the kid chooses to break the agreement. He chooses himself and his peers over the relationship with the parents. This is what the parent's deepest experience of hurt is about, and it comes from not realizing the power of the developmental challenge of adolescence: the child really MUST separate from the parent and MUST find his place among his peers.

Not that he knows how to do it! Not at all. There are many false starts and painful lunges toward proving himself autonomous and building an identity. Yet these attempts at growing up, however awkward and painful for all concerned, are necessary steps in learning to become an adult, in learning who he is. If he is truly to become autonomous, he has to risk hurting and offending you and actually needs, at least once in a while, to do something he's sure you disapprove of.

It's not that your preteen or teenager is becoming a moral cretin, or that you forgot to emphasize truth-telling during her childhood. It isn't that the adolescent doesn't know it's wrong to break her agreements with parents, when she breaks a rule in order to prove her autonomy or to connect with peers, but she may not experience the same remorse as a younger child because the adolescent's sense of imperative need weakens the sense of guilt. It is as if "she had to" do what she did, sometimes precisely because she knew you had a rule against it.

Because of the different function of lying during adolescence, I don't think it works to assign consequences for the lying itself. The problem with giving consequences for lying per se is that it comes too close to demanding that the child hold the relationship with the parent and the parent's values first in her heart, at a time when it is not normal to do so. Besides which, it focuses the child's attention on what she said, rather than on what she did or didn't do. This can really backfire, as when you find out that she had a party at the house when you were not home, which you have a rule against, and she tells you the truth about it. "Yes," she says, "I did have the kids over while you were gone. I'm sorry. (Probably itself a lie.)" -- then expects the consequences to be waived because she told you the truth!

I would even argue that sometimes an adolescent's resorting to lying about her behavior (which very often involves a peer situation) is a "good sign"! -- Because, if she is taking the trouble to lie, it must mean she still cares about your reaction and has not had to go so far as to simply defy all rules to your face. The lie is a signal that there is conflict: do I do what I want to here, and risk disappointing and angering my parents, or do I obey Mommy and Daddy? There is a pull towards dependence and obedience, but often an even stronger pull toward independence and acceptance by one's peers. The occasional lie facilitates the establishment of a private space, an area of her life in which she is sure you don't have control.

It is, simply, unreasonable to expect adolescents always to tell you the truth. Believe me, you don't really want to know everything your adolescent is doing! And unless they get caught, you can't implement consequences anyway. What we as parents need to realize is that in fact our children have control over this aspect of their lives, and we do not. They will tell you the truth or not, as they see fit. When you catch them in a lie, and it involves behavior that is important, that you have a rule about--you said they could not entertain in your home friends who use drugs, and you find clear evidence that the rule has been violated-- attention needs to go to your kid's having broken the rule, not to what he says or said about it.

Malaysian Chinese Community Counseling Conference

There will be a "Malaysian Chinese Community Counseling Conference" held at the Employees Provident Fund Institute, Kajang on this 10-12 December 2010. The medium of the language of the conference will in Mandarin. For further information, kindly visit http://www.8mccc.blogspot.com/.

Organization for Single Moms

If you are interested to work in organization dedicated to assist single-mom-families, kindly send your application or cv or enquiry to info@mmca.org.my or via post to the following address:
Multi Mutual Charity Association KL & Sel
2-75A, 2nd Floor South City Plaza
43300 Seri Kembangan
Selangor Darul Ehsan
Malaysia

You can also ask for Chang Pei Qi by calling these numbers: 603 8941 8840 and 603 8943 8840. Further info, please visit: http://www.mmca.org.my/ Thanks!

Searching for your appetite for LIFE

Class Representatives

Class representatives, please write down your name, tutorial, and email address here, so that I can send you the invitation to be the author of this blog, thanks.

Comfirmation

1. Career path
Tan Yi Shin 09AAB05089 (T6)Chin Woei Jye 09AAB05697Woo Siew Min 09AAB06763Destenie Chua 09AAB06432Yap Ke Xin 09AAB07070
October 19, 2010 6:11 PM

2. Role model
1. Chai Hong Yun (leader) (T7)2. Kwan Yao Xuen3. Ong Hueh May4. Hong Jin Yuan5. Lee Wei Lu6. Ong Ghee Chin7. Tam Kok Yen

3. Religion
Tan Seng Chu 0905334 (Leader)Kee Chong Wei 0908998Yeo Yet Phing 0902339Tan Consva 0903069Tang Yew Tiong 0908183Chua Zhan Heing 0904026
October 19, 2010 6:07 PM

4. Organ donation
Chin Wen Jye (T7)Yong Yik Wei Jenny Kong Chuah Le Yun Lee Yueh ChoonBeh Chaw Siang
October 19, 2010 6:01 PM

5. Pass time
Choong Hsu Wai(T3)Lok Dae MienHo Chuin PeiCheah Jia YingChan Siong ChiLim Shu Li
October 19, 2010 6:03 PM

6. Volunteerism
1. Ching Wooi Man2. Chua Weiyi3. Hoh Ee Ling4. Lee Mee Koan5. Tan Lee Hsin6. Tang Tzi Fai
October 19, 2010 6:02 PM

7. Fitness
Lee Kong Yew(Leader)Sarah Thum Wei-LiCaroline Ann JamesChin Zi YanTing Fangnikki tham
October 19, 2010 6:19 PM

8. LOHAS
Au Pui YeeTay Yen MeiHo Jia YunLow Min Chu Ng Li YongChin Yan Yan
October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

9. Internet addiction
T2 Liew Tek WiLiew Lee NgohLee Wei GuanLam Poh YeeChiew Ooi YiChristable Chi October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

10. Pornography
CHAN SOON GUAN (09AAB00641) (T9)CHONG XIAO PING (09AAB01788)LOH CHENG HOW (09AAB00257)CHOK YU BIN (09AAB00537)NG YAN YAN (09AAB00572)
October 19, 2010 6:02 PM

11. Social networking sites
Jennifer Alexander (T1)Lim chiah ChiengNg Sun SunMa Hooi ShieGoh Boon TataLee Chui Min
October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

12. Sleeping disorder-insomnia (Title accepted)
1.Lew Chee Hong@Lau Chee Hong (T8)2.Khor Chooi Peng3.Liew Kah Wei4.Loh Syuk Luang5.Tan Ting Ying6.Tai Yee Jin

13. Peer influences
901187 Chee Yue Piew (T6)0902106 Fong Kean Tat0902279 Khoo Cheng Boon0901697 Lai Kah Kien0902142 Tan Mei Yen0900069 Wan Lai Lee
October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

14. Bullies
chiew chee yong (T6)-tan teh woi-kang wen xiang-yap tian xi-heng chin pern-tang yu ling
October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

15. Sexual identity
Leong Shi Yi (0900536)Choong Ching Wei (0900198)Khoo Kian Yong (0805548)Lee Lye Hoon (0900548)Leong Li Mei (0900068)Lim Wei Yen (0901501)Tan Wan Jie (0900198)

16. Puberty OR Stress (Pick either one)
1. Chew Eng Kit2. Phang Kah Mun3. Siti Aishah binti Abdullah4. Tashmeera a/p S Mehanathan5. Thye Zen Kuang6. Aw Hwei Hoe
October 19, 2010 6:04 PM

17. Sleeping habit
Tee Hong Chang (T1)Chieng Jack SoonLee Kang PhinChai Huey ShyanChan Chia EeDerekWinnie the PoohOctober 19, 2010 6:00 PM

18. Diet
Melissa Pang (T7)Cassie Chah, Yeoh Swee Zhi,Kam Hew Tong,Khor Khai Ling,Sharan Juliet Anthony
October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

19. Addiction: Alcohol
Class: T2/T5Chong Cai LingKaoy Cai LingToo Mei Ling Tan Zhi YingChoo Chee HowChua Chong Yang
October 19, 2010 6:04 PM

20. Brand perception
Faiezah (T3)yong suk juenlim fanghuiyin ting tinglim fong chingchok kim wai
October 19, 2010 6:03 PM

21. Health awareness
Benjamin Ngo (T9)Deborah Au YongChen Yean FaiLee Leong WeeLee Tze WeiWong Pooi WanOctober 19, 2010 6:00 PM

22. First love
Lim Czen Tze (T8)Wong Zi JianGoh See HuaPhan Kha MingNg Chia WenChan Hau YeePresena A/P Sattiven

23. Family conflict OR Pocket Money (please choose either one)
Chin Wee Chuan (T7)Ng Yen KitChan Lai KuanKatherine ChinChew Ooi ChenQuay San ThienOctober 19, 2010 6:00 PM

24. Body image
Chua Szu Theng (T3)Joclyn Leong Fong YiLok Pui GuanNg Kok SoonTan Mei SzeThung Ee Men October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

25. Eating disorder
1) Wong Xiau Jian (0907628-leader), 2) Tan Kai Wen (0906431), 3) Lim Chuen Leang (0905707), 4) Liew Yee Zhien (0905875) 5) Chee Chung Yean (0905456) from T2,Y2S2.
October 19, 2010 6:00 PM

26. Fast food culture
Hee Yet Wai 0906123 (leader)Chok Wan Yew 0906001Ding Teck Weei 0908476Kung Choon Keat 0905999Gan Yee Heng 0904510Aw Pei Xin 0908999
October 19, 2010 8:56 PM

27. Global Warming
1)Ng Ferrine(09AAB00576) (T9)2)Cheng Peh Woon(09AAB00695)3)Chew Jun Zhen(09AAB00570)4)Chong Tek Meng(09AAB00642)5)Eii Meng Min (09AAB00612)6)Koh Mei Bin(09AAB04509)
October 19, 2010 8:58 PM

28. Recycling
Goh Poey San (T8)ErnieLai Fei YeeAhshaWong Poh Yee
October 20, 2010 12:30 AM

29. Addiction to computer games
lim yong khoon 0900487 (T9)khor gui wei 0900587wong wen hui 0908087liew jia yong 0904287ng kin teng 0901475
October 19, 2010 11:24 PM

30. Friendship
Andrew Ha Weng Cheong 0900419 (T2)Bharkavi 0900354Ho Bong Long 0900167Loo Shu Xao 0901696Tan Shu Fen 0900819Teo Chin Hwee 0900101
October 20, 2010 4:11 PM

31. Vulgar Abuse
1)Peter Tan (09AAB06834) (T2)2)William Hoi (09AAB07071)3)Hemala (09AAB08475)4)Thilaga (09AAB08621)5)Rubini

32. Suicide
RRAAGIDHASAKTI, HUMI KALSAM,SATVINDERJIT KAUR, HO MAN JUNG, KAM KHAR HUI
October 28, 2010 6:22 PM

Debate: This house believes that developed nations must pay on environmental tax.

Debate: The one-year government plan to subsidise companies which hire university graduates as interns is beneficial.