BY Dr. Ron Bailes
In my experience, people reading and body language are critical when assessing an individual. Personal traits stress, such as lack of confidence, can be exemplified in an individual's behaviors and attitudes. Even those who seem to be very confident lack self-assurance on some level. The difference between those who allow it to debilitate them and those who don't is the courage to continue on, in spite of their fears. Lack of confidence is just one of the many ways to express fear.
One way to overcome fear or lack of confidence is to not let it hold you back. Learn to release the idea and the thoughts of "if something goes wrong", (and it probably will) or "what if it doesn't work, I'll look stupid or it will look like I don't know what I am doing". By simply developing the idea in your subconscious that "If something goes wrong, I'll figure out a way to fix it", you begin to release the fears that have invaded your ability to think positively.
When you resolve within yourself the idea that if something goes wrong or doesn't turn out the way you had planned, it simply means that there were parts of the equation that you miscalculated or you were unaware of part of the process. With this attitude you gain the knowledge to move forward. An example would be, to produce a projection of a completion date on a project that you are working on but are unfamiliar with the details. As you are unable to meet the deadline, due to the factors that you had no knowledge of or control over, you can make the adjustments and keep on track. Entrepreneurs seem to inherently have this capacity or belief within certain areas of their lives.
I have first-hand knowledge from developing my body language video course. Having never tackled such a project, I was continually making unrealistic deadlines and constantly having to adjust them. I never became discouraged, I knew going in that I was in an area that would require additional learning on my behalf. Even though I know the subject, and know it well, the planning, filming, editing, producing and marketing required tenacity and the self-confidence that no matter what happened, I or my team would overcome the obstacles.
Also, working from the premise that if there is a problem you can learn from the experience and make proper changes to move forward. Confidence must be intrinsic, it comes from within oneself. As you become more relaxed and less tense and release the fear, you begin to develop more confidence in yourself. With this self-assurance you will develop your ability to do what you normally have to do each day without fear of failure, without fear of consequences, and without fear of unnecessary anxiety.
What I'm saying here is, stop being afraid to try something new or chase your dreams. Even if you know very little about what is involved, do your homework and give it your best shot. You can always make changes and adjustments as you proceed. Pay attention and learn from what doesn't work. Keep this in mind, when you fail to chase your dreams because of a lack of confidence and fears, you give others control and power over your life. By learning from the experience, it is no longer a failure. And of course, with a change of attitude and the willingness to learn from mistakes, you build confidence in other areas of your life as well.
Lack of confidence goes hand-in-hand with insecurity. It can have roots as far back as childhood. It may come from experiences in school or adolescent issues, as we muddle our way through puberty. Being fired from a job may even rock or destroy one's confidence. It can be shattered from a divorce, especially after being in a long term relationship or marriage. Entering the dating scene in your late 30's or 40's, or even older, with only "left-over tools" that you acquired in your teens can cause you to lack confidence in yourself. Lacking the skills to deal with workplace politics can have a negative effect on your self-confidence and your financial future.
I have dealt with this from both males and females in all age groups. The lack of confidence in their ability to even go about meeting someone new and starting over can bring on an enormous amount of stress. This also spills over in other areas of their life. The stability of their home life and the routines that they have created for themselves, gave them the confidence that they needed to take on and tackle just about anything that entered the picture. They had the perceived backup that is now no longer a part of their life. Finding ways to rebuild your confidence will certainly help you deal with those progressive accumulating events, customary anticipated life events, as well as the unexpected life events.
One suggestion that I recommend in an effort to begin to build your self-esteem and self-confidence, is to make an asset list. Not an asset list of your things and possessions, but an asset list of who you are and who you would like to become. Begin with two pieces of poster board. On one board, at the top title it "Who I AM", with the other "Who I am BECOMING". Be sure to underline the titles and write it big enough to see it several feet away.
Now start the list of "Who you are" and "Who you are becoming." For example, are you kind? If so, write it under "Who I am", if not, write it under "Who I am becoming." Are you forgiving, understanding, happy, positive, confident, do you have self-esteem? Write them under their respective headings. Only write down the positive of what you are. If you are "unhappy", then write "happy" under the heading of what you are becoming. I think you get the picture.
You can also write your accomplishments under the "Who I am" title. During the day, as you think of something you are or would like to become, while you're work or on the go, jot it down on a piece of paper and add it to the asset list when you get home. If you deal with jealousy, write on the "Who I am becoming"-- less jealous. The same goes for feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Simply add to "Who I am becoming" list, more secure and more adequate. It is very important to only write the positive of what you are or what you are becoming.
Hang your asset list on your bedroom wall, so you can see it first thing when you wake up in the morning, as you get ready for your day, and the last thing you see before you go to sleep. Everyday, sit in front of your asset list for 30 minutes and do a meditation or simply sit quietly, where you can think undisturbed. The meditation that I use the most is an undirected meditation. This is where I sit in front of my asset list, and stare at it. Sometimes I might focus on a particular word or words on the "Who I am" list and other times I am drawn to the "Who I am becoming" list.
Lack of confidence can be overcome simply by reprogramming yourself. It doesn't have to come from the reassurance of others. It is you making the changes and becoming the person you desire to be and not through the want of approval from others and what they think you should attain in life.
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